Thursday, December 11, 2008

(Funny but Strikingly True!)

It is the year 2008 and Noah lives in the PHILIPPINES.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark. "

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into tumult.

The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark ?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a Mayor's permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes".

I had to hire their "engineering firm" and "redraw" the plans. Then I got into a fight with Municipal Fire Safety Inspector over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and extinguishers.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a permit from the municipal planning office.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark , because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Monkey-Eating Eagle. I finally convinced the DENR that I needed the wood To save the eagles. However, the DENR won't let me catch any eagles. So, no eagles.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the KMU. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark , but still no eagles. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the DENR again notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact assessment on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the
universe.

Then the DPWH demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the DOLE that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The BIR has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the BIR that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.

The NBI and ISAFP each wanted a piece of the action alleging that the Ark would be used by the Magdalo soldiers to escape. The PNP on the other hand insists that Abu Sayaff might use the Ark to flee to Indonesia .

MalacaƱang sees the opportunity to use the Ark for GMA's Strong Republic Nautical Highway presidential campaign sorties.

Finally the Senate got the courts to issue a TRO against further construction of the Ark , saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore
unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 10 or 16 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly....

"The government is already doing that."

End

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Joktionary

DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage

CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with a fire at one end and a fool on the other.

LECTURE: An art of transferring information for the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.

DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work.

CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

CLASSIC: A book, which people praise, but do not read.

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

ETC.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.

ATOM BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.

PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

OPTIMIST: A person who, while falling from the Eiffel Tower says in midway, "See, I'm not injured yet."

MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

FATHER: A banker provided by nature.

CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got caught.

BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills and then kills you with his bills.

It was jazz an ordinary day. The skies were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw! Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries. Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie niya. Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga! Dahil fans niya rin ako, nakipila rin ako.

Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng: “Indaaaaayyyy…”

Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. Who can it be now?

“Dodong!” sigaw ko.

Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other fans turned their backs to their behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be loud and proud.” Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from the crowd.

“kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open? Tanong niya.

“Bihira lang, Dodong. I’m just droppings by. Ethnic and schedule ko eh” sabi ko.

Memories came flushing in my mind. How can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortex. He’s every woman’s dreamboat. I was just starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction Worker siya sa ginagawang bahay sa tapat naming. Nagging kami for a while then after that were not an item anymore.

“Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?” tanong ni Dodong.

Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter.

“What’s your odor sir?” sabi nung waiter kay Dodong.

“Do you have porkshop?” tanong ni Dodong.

“Yes sir” sabi nito. “And you mam?” sabay tingin naman sa akin.

Hmmm…mukhang masarap yung porkshop. Pero I’m cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko.

“I’ll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh.” Sagot ko.

Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine. Teka teka, this is going too far. Besides, it’s a long, long way to run.

“Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I’m happily married” pagmamalaki ko.

“Din a pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn’t expect you still have more feelings than I expected. I don’t want you getting the way. Past if fast. Therefore, cause and defect.” Dagdag ko pa.

Tumahimik siya. Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin. The seconds that passed seemed like fraternity. Di naglaon, nagsalita na rin siya.

“I don’t care less!” sigaw ni Dodong.

Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako! To think it’s his other woman that caused our separation to part.

Kinabahan na ko. I felt speedbumps all over my body and was having panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo. Pero sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako ng security guard. Biglang nawala si Dodong.

“Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?” sabi ko sa mamang guard.

“Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure.” Sagot niya.

“Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got lost in my eyes.”

“Diretso lang.” sabi niya. “Then turn right anytime with care.”

“Thanks for your corporation.” Sabi ko.

Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit lang, I smell something peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na naming nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying static lang pala kaninaang pag disappear niya.

“Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you go, there you are!” pananakot niya.

Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable. My world started falling afar.
Then suddenly, Jay come from behind! Dodong was caught to the act! In the matter of minute, it’s all over. I’m out of arm’s away.

“Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you?” bago pa man ako matapos, sabi niya:

“I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout but at first I didn’t give it a thought. Pero nang Makita ko kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then I give it a thought. I know something is a missed.”

From then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn’t even sister me. As in platonic at wala na talaga.

Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa ring ang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, open na kami sa isa’t-isa at walang exhibitions. I feel I’m on cloud.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.

When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about father," said the son.
“I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.”

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled a food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?” Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.” The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens,
how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life”.

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others,
your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

WRITE A LOVE LETTER

by: Allison Fabian & Donna Jackson

Instead of simply counting the ways you love him, take the time to put them down on paper. Why?

While the handwritten love letter is a disappearing art in this electronic age – a recent survey conducted by the Parker Pen Company found that the average American last received one 14 years ago – a heartfelt note to your man can “strengthen your bond by creating a sense of connectedness”, says Sandra Whitefield, a Chicago based relationship therapist.

“Mood–lifting endorphins are released when you receive compliments. And, of course, it feels good to give them.” For a make-him-melt message, Whitefield recommends:

OPENING UP
Begin with an appreciative statement such as, “I love you so much I need to tell you what’s in my heart.”

SHOWERING HIM WITH PRAISE
Write down everything you adore about him. Imagine your partner is sitting in front of you; walk around him, writing down description of what you love about his physical appearance, character, and actions.

BEING TRUE
If you aren’t a mushy person, don’t be mushy. Simple language and statements will still get your message across and will seem more genuine.

PRESENTING UNQUALIFIED COMPLIMENTS
“I love you when you hug me” shouldn’t be followed by a negative statement such as… “but you do it so often.”

ADDING A PERSONAL TOUCH Include a photo of two of you or a lipstick kiss.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICIES:

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Practicing a daily skin care regimen is important to maintaining younger healthier looking skin. In order to have the best results possible you should be consistent with your regimen. Here are some important tips to keep in mind when taking care of your skin.

Washing your face too much can cause increased oil production. Always use a gentle cleanser when washing your face. Washing your face in the morning and at night time should be enough.

Using a toner after cleansing your face helps control excess oil throughout the day. Be sure to choose a toner without alcohol because alcohol dries out the skin.

Do not wear your make-up to bed at night as it will clog your pores or increase your risk for more frequent breakouts.

Wash your face twice at the end of the day, once to remove your make-up and the other to cleanse the skin.

Exfoliate at least twice a week with a delicate scrub. Exfoliating your skin removes dead skin cells to leave skin looking fresh and healthy.

Use a facial mask regularly. A facial mask will help reduce the size of your pores and helps to remove blackheads. Usually twice a week but never exfoliate and use a facial mask on the same day as this may cause skin irritation.

Use a moisturizer daily and at bedtime to keep your skin hydrated.

Be gentle to your skin, never pull, tug, or scrub your facial skin. Pat your skin dry and gently rub in your moisturizers. Use your ring finger to apply eye creams and never rub, dab gently until absorbed.

Avoid the sun as much as possible, if not be sure to use a moisturizer and foundation with sunscreen.

Keep your skin hydrated by increasing your water intake.

Try to get a good 8 hours sleep each night as this helps decrease dark circles and swelling around the eye area.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

WIFE VS. HUSBAND


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ......... "HEBREWS"

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THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Friday, August 22, 2008

We’ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same Alma Mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it’s only now that I gave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came over with me. He said, “I hope you don’t mine. Can I get your number?” Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn’t give it back? He explained naman na it’s so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if I’m wrong but are you as king me ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, “The!”…..Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit! Persona Ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.

Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing in the sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we’ll go ouch na rin. Now, we’re so in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I’m 33 na and I’m running our time. After 2 weeks, he plopped the question, “Will you marriage me?” I’m in a state of shocked. Kasi manta kin mo, when it rains, it’s four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.

Pero nung inayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces. Nagdi-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng humirit ng, “Well, well, well, look do we have here.” What the! The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, whatever is that, cut me some slacks! I didn’t want this to get our hand kaya I had to sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. Ats if! I don’t want to portrait the role of the other woman. Gosh, tell me to the marines! I told her, “please, mine your own business!” Who would believe her anyway?

Dahil it’s not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I’m so happy. Even my boyfriend said liketwice. He’s so supportive. Sabi niya, “Look at is this way, She’s our of our lives.”

Kaya advise ko sa inyo – take the risk. You can never can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we’ll just pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I second emotion.

LOVE vs INFATUATION

People are often confused and unable to discern the frustrating flush of the magical experience of falling in love.

Infatuation is the initial, instant attraction and intense desire for a person .

Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root, develops and grows one day at a time. The process is slow.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating on you. Sometimes you check perhaps even discreetly.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels the same also and this makes both even more trustworthy.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions or some unclear actions about your beloved that you would not like to examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles of distance do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.

Infatuation has an element of excitement. If you are honest, you can admit it is difficult to be in one another's company.

Love is the maturation of friendship. You are confident that you must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation is usually temporary and eventually fades. It, however, might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.

Love is an upper. It makes you look up. Love usually lasts longer and goes deeper than strong Feelings. It makes you think up and makes you a better person.

Infatuation makes you feel anxious, nervous and jealous. You feel convinced that you can't live without the other person. You are unable to see the person for who they really are because he/she is perfect in your eyes.

Love makes you feel excited. You are willing to respect the other person's opinions and accept the good or bad qualities. You share similar values and beliefs and you see the person for who they really are.

Infatuation says, We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!

Love says, Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence. There are rewards in waiting.

"Sometimes love is for a moment, sometimes love is for a lifetime. Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Where I Want to Be

The place where I want to be
Is a peaceful place.
I like it in the morning when the sun
shines and lightens me up
and the wind is cool, that soothes me;
makes me feel fresh.
And the river - where I bath and washes
my face in the morning.
And the bridge at the river, where I
walk and sings.

Yes, and my place is a paradise to me
full of different flowers.
Where I walk and lie down and listen
to the wind and birds.
And yes, the place where I can smile and laugh
and fly myself as I ride in a swing.
And when I'm lonely, I'll sit under the tree
gather myself myrtles and rest.
And when I'll be hungry, I'll satisfy myself
with fresh fruits.
And when the day is about to be over
I'll watch the moon and stars that smiles.
And I'll always remember the place
where I want to be.
That somehow in my memory
I know I have gone here - Already.

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